Captain Goldensword has lost his first battle - but not the war

Last evening, after a tough day of harvesting blackheads from sheep for medical research, I found myself in combat against a foe I cannot ever possibly hope to defeat. The difficulty has nothing to do with the respective power of the villian, but in their gender.

Yes, friends of righteousness, Captain Goldensword was forced to battle a woman.

She is called 'The Complainiac', and her she has the power to sap the strength and will to live from any man with the shrill sonic waves produced by her mutated larynx. I ran afoul of her when I foiled her plot to doubly and triply reuse coupons to rack up discounts of evil and insane proportions. The duel commenced, she attacked with grace and skill, I defended with grace and skill, but that's the extent of the progression of the fight. I simply could not bring myself to strike her - mother had instilled in me from a young age that it was completely wrong to hit girls, even if they deserved it.

I came close to snapping and letting myself pummel the Complainiac when she said that my tights were gay and the way they spread my buttocks was sickening, but I somehow managed to control myself. I am wondering if restraint isn't another one of my superpowers. Ultimately, I was crushed beneath the force of her voice, and my strength failed me. I lay on the ground, writhing from pain of both an emotional and physical nature, and watched her fly away with the Ronald McDonald jewel. In the dark hours that followed my defeat at the hands of the Complainiac, I found myself plagued with a troubling thought that I could not escape. Although she was now my sworn enemy, my mind insisted on picturing her in an apron, preparing spaghetti, and my salivary glands produced spittle as though they were about to consume the imaginary spaghetti.

I should not have such thoughts concerning my enemies. But in my imagination, her spaghetti looked really really good.

A wrinkle in the fabric of dual identities

I think my mother is becoming suspicious.

Every time I go out to battle the forces of evil, I've been telling her that I have romantical dates planned. She gives me suspicious eyes but does not say anything. She knows that my SI does not usually have romantical dates, and now I try to make her believe that I am going on them almost every single night. Perhaps Captain Goldensword needs more practice being dishonest?

NEVER.

It violates truth, justice, really good spaghetti, and everything else Captain Goldensword stands for. I must simply tell her the truth and. . . no. . . mother will ground my SI and henpeck him with shrill criticisms that make him want to move his bowels. . . hmmm. . . Aha! I will say this to her:

"Mother, I cannot tell you where it is that I am going in the evenings, but suffice it to say, that each night when I return, the ranks of the legions of Evil have been thinned. I would tell what it is that I do if I could, but I fear that it would put you at risk, and I simply care for you too much to allow that." and then beautiful music will play as my mother looks at me with newfound respect, her lower lip trembles and a single teardrop trickles down her chin as she. . .

Uh, pretend Captain Goldensword did not type that last part.

And now I must be off, but not to rend the skin and snap the skeletons of Evil as one might suppose. No, in fact, I have a new job as a living mannequin in the window of a secondhand clothing store on third street.

A tasty meal and a lesson in 'crime doesn't pay'

1 lb. lean hamburger
1 can mushroom pieces
1 bottle Ragu 'Super Chunky Mushroom' spaghetti sauce
1/2 onion, diced large
1 big ol' fistfull of spaghetti noodles

Brown hamburger with mushrooms and onions while boiling the noodles for ten, no... however many minutes it says on the box. Drain both. Mix spaghetti sauce and simmer for five minutes. Eat with copious amounts of Kraft parmesan cheese and shredded chedder on top. (It's divine if the chedder gets a little soft, but doesn't melt all the way....mmmmmmm)

On the superheroing front, I've captured my first mad scientist, Baron Van Boffo. He was turning catholic school children into mindless pawns that steal playstation 3 video games and then sell them on ebay for a 5000% profit. His crimes were of such a particularly heinous nature that I felt compelled to give a 'swirly' before I handed him over to law enforcement authorities.

A superhero is never safe - even at home

Last evening, whilst in prayer in my room in the basement of my mother's house, I suddenly sensed something amiss in the equilibrium of righteousness which now constantly surrounds me. I leapt to my feet as a platoon of black-clad ninjas emerged from the shadows. Combat commenced at once.

After defeating roughly the first twenty or so, beams of energy began to spray from my sinuses - it seemed I had yet another power. Then, a hulking fortress of a ninja cast his shadow over me. I saw in my mind that he would soon swing with his massive left fist, and then sneeze from the airborne cat dander in my subterranean lair (my mother's basement). I dodged the blow, then bit him in his solar plexus as he sneezed, dropping him to the dirty-laundry strewn floor.

Ah-ha. I also have the precognitive powers of sensing the attacks of evildoers and their respective allergies.

Needless to say, the ninjas were soundly stomped, turning to black wisps of vapor as they fell. I went to bed wondering who had sent them, and how many more powers I would develop in the coming days. Stay close to me, Friends of Righteousness, I shall soon reveal the full list.

In other superheroing news, I recently read this sad article on the trustworthy news source, Lark News. It seems my contemporaries are falling one by one, and I shall be a lone towering, pinnacle of evil-bashing in practically the same as my career as a golden-tights-clad-crimefighter begins.

The dawn of a new age in the buttkicking of Evil

Night after night I lay awake in bed, thinking of how much Evil sucks and how I wish there was something a simple shoestring-factory-floor-sweep-person could do.

And then. . .

Today I woke up with superpowers. . .

I am unwilling to say too much at the moment, as I am still testing them and learning their limitations, but one thing I will say - beware Evil, for Captain Goldensword (superhero of righteousness) is coming.