Monday, December 18, 2006

Crimefighting Product Review (CPR #1)

Welcome to a new feature on Captain Goldensword's blog, Crimefighting Product Reviews, or CPR. It occurs to me that if I use a certain device or product in my constant battle against Evil, I should review it here, to let other superheroes know how useful it was, or un-useful, if that should be the case. If I device or product fails me in battle, and I am thusly trounced by some scum-sucking villian, that information should also be passed on to the crimefighting community.

This morning I am reviewing Smacme's new wrist-mounted plasma cannon, the Penetrator mark II. I used this weapon in a recent battle I had with Dre-tap-da-mon, (the dreaded Tap-dance Monster) and overall, I found it very handy and effective. It's lightweight, packs a solid punch, and is as easy to aim as pointing your finger. There were only a few drawbacks, and they had more to do with stowage than anything else. It takes upwards of twenty minutes to strap it on your wrist properly, and have it comfortably wired to the power source on your utility belt (I refuse to call it 'trouser supporting gadget array', Batman, sorry, nice try though). And then, since it is triggered by certain hand and finger movements, I found it sometimes discharging accidentaly in non-combat settings like in the boys bathroom at the local elementary school where I was giving a short speech regarding the superiority of spaghetti to other forms of pasta. I had my index finger in the vicinity of the center of my face, the reason is unimportant, but after flexing it just so, the Penetrator fired and nearly took the top of my head off.

So. It would be impractical to carry it around in the pocket of your tights until you're faced with an enemy of righteousness - it would simply take too long to set up, and by then, Evil will have you schooled. One is simply forced to wear it at all times, and just be cognizant of its fire-power and hair-trigger. Overall, I enjoy my Penetrator mark II wrist-mounted plasma cannon, and I intend to use it for years to come in my constant battle to thwart the forces of Evil.


Anonymous said...

Hey Golden-goon, why don't you try putting it on safe, you big stupid dufus?

Captain Goldensword - superhero of righteousness said...

Yes, well, hmmmm... I didn't notice that switch there on the bottom. Thank-you anonymous commenter. Does it seem to the rest of you like nobody really comments on this blog except my enemies?

Does Captain Goldensword have any friends out there?

Anonymous said...

Nope. You're pretty much unanimously hated.