It seems that cats always align themselves with the forces of Evil

I suspect that at least one of my mother's cats is a spy for the forces of Evil.

After the spaghetti dinner she made especially for my SI's birthday, I returned to my room in the basement to prepare for work at my new job as a Barbie-doll leg welder. To my surprise, my uniform shirt was shredded by tiny claws (you know the kind that are dark blue with a little oval nametag that says. . . oh-ho, Captain Goldensword almost slipped and revealed the name of his SI). Curious as to why one of the cats would do this, I followed a set of tiny footprints up the stairs and out of the house.

Strangely enough, the tracks led to a nearby cornfield and then vanished mysteriously at the edge of glowing crop-circle - it was shaped exactly like the molar I lost when I slipped on ice skates and bashed my face into a vending cart that sold hot chocolate and polish dogs with sour kraut. It was simply too much of a coincidence to be coincidental.

I quickly returned to my room, donned my Captain Goldensword uniform, then proceeded to examine all of my mother's cats with the sensitive medical scanner I built from my old playstation 1. Here are the results.

1. George Clooney - not an alien
2. David Hasselhof - not an alien
3. Sean Connery - not an alien
4. Denzel Washington - not an alien
5. Cuba Gooding Jr. - not an alien
6. Brad Pitt - not an alien
7. Tom Cruise - not an alien (I was rather surprised at this one)
8. Robert DeNiro - not an alien
9. James Hetfield (lead singer of Metallica) - not an alien

There was one cat that was never found - that stinking, evil-eyed Jude Law. In truth, I suspected him from the first. Know this, Jude Law kitty, you are now on Captain Goldensword's list of booty's of evildoers that need whupping. When we meet again, it shall not be pretty.